The Hogwarts Symphony Orchestra!
by Nancy D
Summary: A nun comes to Hogwarts and gets an orchestra together; Trelawney makes a prediction; the staff gets in a predicament, and the students run wild. R/R!! PLEASE!!
1. A Nun at Hogwarts

Prologue  
After much thought, I decided that Hogwarts needed a music department. Though it is not magic, it is very necessary if you want to lead a healthy and happy lifestyle. So it is now required that every faculty member must learn an instrument, and every student has the option of either singing or playing an instrument as well. They can play the piano or an orchestral instrument. Guitars and banjos are NOT allowed and sorry McGonagall, no bagpipes. (Yes, I love bagpipes also, they're the only instrument with a tartan pattern, but they just don't fit in with an orchestra.) I've taken it upon myself to organize the   
Hogwarts Musical Department, but I can't run it, so I called upon Sister Mary Lazarus, the choir director from the movie Sister Act to come and help us out. I was going to call the whole convent of St. Catherine's, but then I decided that that would make for an awfully confused Professor Dumbledore, who would spot the Reverend Mother and say something like, "Professor McGonagall, when did you decide to become a nun?" And he'd have every right to say that too, the resemblance is uncanny. (10 MAC points if you can figure out why!) So it's just Sister Mary Lazarus, and a whole bunch of Hogwarts folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:  
  
The  
Hogwarts Symphony  
Orchestra!  
  
  
  
Chapter One: A Nun at Hogwarts  
  
It was September First, the beginning of Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and he and Ron noticed someone new sitting at the staff table.  
  
"She's got awfully strange wizard's robes," commented Ron.  
  
"Those aren't wizard's robes," said Harry. "That's a habit, that is. She's a nun."  
  
"A nun?" asked Ron.  
  
"Yeah," came Seamus Finnegan's voice from across the table. "We had them when I went to the Muggle school. They're real strict, and sometimes mean!"  
  
"Oh no," said Harry and Ron together.  
  
"Just what we need," said Ron. "Another bloody Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and this one's mean!"  
  
"Look!" said Harry, pointing in the other direction. "It's another one!"  
  
"Another one what?"  
  
"Nun!"  
  
Ron looked in the other direction, and sure enough, there was another lady in her billowing black nun outfit with the tight thing that goes around the head, and the habit on top flowing behind her as she walked briskly towards her seat at the staff table.  
  
"I wonder what she teaches," said Hermione. "There was only one vacancy, and that's Defense Against the Dark Arts."  
  
"Perhaps they're starting a new subject?"  
  
"A new subject!" said Hermione. "I don't know if I'll have the time…"  
  
"Hope it's an elective," said Ron. "Then I won't have to take it."  
  
Hermione gave Ron one of those "Ron!" looks and said "You don't even know what it is yet! You've got to give her a chance!"  
  
But before Ron could say anymore, Professor Dumbledore stood up to make his announcements.  
  
"I'd like to introduce to you two new Professors we have here at Hogwarts," he began. "First, I'd like to introduce you to our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Sister Mary Robert."   
  
The younger of the two nuns stood up and everyone applauded as if they didn't know what else to do. Clearly, Harry and Ron weren't the only ones who didn't know what to think.  
  
"And secondly, I would like you all to meet Sister Mary Lazarus."   
  
This time, the other nun stood up, and she was a complete contrast to the first nun. She was really old looking, and she had a stern face. But not the stern sort of face that Professor McGonagall had, this woman's face was tough, like she'd been through a lot. She didn't receive as much applause the first nun did. Kids like Seamus who had gone to a Catholic school before Hogwarts looked very nervous, as this was not their first encounter with nuns as teachers. Also, people were very confused because Dumbledore had left out why this nun was here in the first place. This question was soon to be answered though, because Dumbledore waved his hand for silence and began to talk.  
  
"Sister Mary Lazarus will be our new music teacher. Yes, music is a great magic, far beyond that that we teach here, so I have decided –"  
  
**Ahem!**  
  
"- er, rather our Fan Fiction Authoress, Miss Nancy D has decided –"  
  
**Thank you**  
  
"- that Hogwarts needs a music department. So Sister Mary Lazarus will be here to run the department, so therefore I have a few more announcements to make. All of the faculty members must each play an instrument in the orchestra. Any student fourth year and above who wishes to play an instrument in the orchestra may well do so. Every student below fourth year must sing in the Yong Voices choir. Trials for fourth year and above will be held next Sunday at noon here in the Great Hall for those older students who wish to try out for the more advanced choir. Those older students who are not in the choir or the orchestra must pick up an extra elective subject. Also on Sunday evening after supper, instruments will be available in the Entrance Hall for those of you who would like to play an instrument."  
  
There was a wave of 'awwwwww's from the entire hall at this last line. It seemed that there were going to be an awful lot of people lined up for the choir trials on Sunday.  
  
  
Sunday morning came in a flash, and Harry Ron and Hermione found themselves lined up outside of the Great Hall at 11:42 a.m. with about half of the school.  
  
"You're trying out for the choir, Ron?" asked Hermione.  
  
"It's either that or Arithmancy, so I'll have a go at singing first. I see you're more anxious to sing than to pick up another subject."  
  
"Oh nonono," said Hermione. I'm here to watch the trials. I'm going to play an instrument."  
  
Ron gave a snort and immediately put his hand to his mouth to hide that he was laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Hermione.   
  
"I think Hermione would be good at an instrument," said Harry. "What are you going to play? Violin?"   
  
Simultaneously, he and Ron burst out laughing.  
  
"It's not funny!" said Hermione, turning pink. "And besides, I didn't want to play the violin anyway! I'm going to play the flute."  
  
"Ooh," Harry and Ron tried to say with a straight face, but ended up in tears of laughter afterwards.   
  
Just then, the doors to the Great Hall opened and there stood Sister Mary Lazarus.  
  
"You will come in one by one and I'll here you sing a short song," she started. "Then those of you who did well will be called back for either another trial or our first choir practice on Wednesday."  
  
Then the person who stood at the front of the line, a short Hufflepuff sixth year, entered the room with Sister Mary Lazarus. People kept filing in, one by one, until finally Ron was next in line.  
  
"Good luck, Ron," said Hermione.  
  
Ron walked in, sang a song, and walked out. So did Harry. Wednesday at breakfast, Sister Mary Lazarus stood up and read off the whole lineup of the Hogwarts Choir. Harry's name was mentioned, but Ron's wasn't.  
  
"Oh no!" said Ron. "I'm going to have to take an extra class!"  
  
"You can always play an instrument," said Hermione.  
  
"What am I going to play? Flugelhorn?"   
  
"You don't have to play a horn!"  
  
"Yeah," said Ron, displeased. "I can play the violin."  
  
  
  
  
A/N: I hope you liked it! Sorry it wasn't that funny. Chapter two will be funny.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or setting or anything, those are all products of J.K. Rowling's wonderful imagination. And nuns aren't all mean, they're just stereotyped as being mean, and for those of you who've seen Sister Act, Sr. Mary Lazarus is a very likeable character. And for those of you who haven't seen Sister Act, I suggest you go see it as soon as possible, it's hilarious! 


	2. Thirteen

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Two: Thirteen  
  
  
On Sunday evening, Hermione went into the Entrance Hall to pick up her flute and an enchanted self-teaching music book. Harry and Ron had to put up with her shrill tooting every spare second.  
  
"I have to practice as much as I can," she said. "Or else I'll be the worst one in the orchestra!"  
  
Ron and Harry privately agreed that she wouldn't be the worst one in the orchestra, even if she never touched the thing. Hermione wasn't the only Gryffindor in the orchestra, Fred and George were too.  
  
"We didn't make the choir," said Fred, between long blows on his tuba.  
  
"And we didn't feel like taking another subject," said George, pounding away on the tympani. Ron put his hand to his head. This was going to be a long year.  
  
Then, Wednesday night, Harry had to attend choir practice, leaving Ron all alone in the Common Room with half the orchestra. He had just gotten done telling Fred to plug up his tuba, and that he had a headache, when he heard the all-to-familiar screeching sound. "Bloody hell!" started Ron. "I've gone mad! I'm starting to hear violins!"  
  
"I think I'm getting better," came a small voice from behind one of the chairs. Ron looked around to see Ginny sitting in the chair with a small violin. "Want to hear my song?"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!" Ron screamed, and he ran upstairs to his dormitory. "Orchestra practice doesn't start for another couple of weeks. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. Ugh!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Though the next couple of weeks seemed like an eternity to Ron, the time flew by extremely fast for all of those in the orchestra. Finally, the time came for the first orchestra practice, and Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny made their way down to the small room off the Great Hall where practice was to be held. "Yes!" said Ron, "Finally! I've been waiting ages for this orchestra thing to start. Now we can finally have some peace and quiet in the Common Room. Can you help me with my Arithmancy homework? It's really hard, I should have taken Muggle Studies instead."  
  
"Can't," said Harry. "I have a lot of catching up to do. I've been very behind with Quidditch and now choir, it's hard to keep up. And afterwards I've got to take a shower."  
  
"Why?" asked Ron. "Didn't you just take one this morning?"  
  
"Yeah, but Sr. Mary Lazarus said that we should practice our singing in the shower. Showers have great acoustics, you know."  
  
"Yes," said Ron irritably. "Well I've got my work to do now. Hermione wouldn't help me because she was too busy tooting away on that blasted flute, you'd think she was a bird or something..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The conversation in the common room carried on much like this, but things were much more eventful in the orchestra room. One hour before the students were to arrive at orchestra practice, all of the teachers were lined up looking rather irritated, each of them holding various instruments.  
  
Professor Dumbledore was waving his alto sax in the air trying to get everyone quiet. Professor Snape with his big brass flugelhorn sat, looking rather displeased with the seating arrangements, as he had to sit next to Professor McGonagall, who not being allowed to play the bagpipes, had settled for the trombone. (a/n: MY instrument! Well, one of them.) She had, however, draped a tartan scarf over the bell part to add character.  
  
Professor Sprout was cranking out sad excuses for notes on a viola while poor little Professor Flitwick stood on a stack of books to reach the top of his cello.  
  
Hagrid played a bunch of tiny bells, and on the harp was none other than Argus Filch.  
  
"Oh come off it, Filch, you can't really be playing that thing, can you?" inquired Madam Hooch.  
  
"What?" asked Filch. "I've been playing the harp ever since I was a little boy. Mummy always said it was better than magic, if you had music, you didn't need magic..." The rest of the professors worked hard to try to cover their laughter. Argus snorted. "Well it's a lot better than *your* instrument!"  
  
"Humph!" said Hooch, clutching onto her triangle. "At least I'm good at it!" She held her triangle up high and started to play that single, monotonous note the triangle gave. But at least she was good at it!  
  
"I didn't know you could get out of it that easily, or I wouldn't have chosen this infernal piece of metal!" said Professor Vector, indicating the shiny trumpet in her lap.  
  
"I thought percussion would be easy," said Pomfrey, banging on various objects, "but it's not."  
  
Sister Mary Robert, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher played a short tune on her piccolo and said "Well I'm always up for a new challenge!" The other faculty members just looked at each other and shrugged.  
  
"Nuns," said Sinistra. "But I think I'm getting the hang of this violin thing."  
  
"Do you?" asked Professor McGonagall. "My mlips feel all psuffy and itchy. Mbwah oohwaha. Eembwayaha! I bneed mlip bgloss."  
  
"Ah," said Professor Dumbledore. "Well my lips don't hurt, but I finally learned how to get a sound out of this thing just yesterday, after weeks of practice. These reed instruments are really difficult."  
  
Just then, Professor Trelawney made a grand entrance, muttering something about how all this racket will clog her Inner Eye, but before she sat down in the clarinet section, she let out a horrible scream. "Ahhah!" she screamed. "There are thirteen of us who gather here to play music," she said slowly. "And when - "  
  
"You bdon't even need to fsay it," said Professor McGonagall, her lips all numb and hurty from the mouthpiece. "When fthirteen play music together, the first to fscrew up is the first to bdie, I know."  
  
"Not exactly, Minerva," said Trelawney, irritably. "Thirteen must never gather to play music together, for if they do, from the moment the first note is played, they will all be locked together by an unseen force from Beyond." She pointed to Sister Mary Lazarus. "You there, you must get an instrument! Then we shall be fourteen, and we can start."  
  
"Well the students are coming shortly," started Sister. Too late. The unmistakable sound of a trombone sounded through the entire room. Several people screamed, Snape swore loudly, to the shock of the two nuns present, Professor Trelawney went into sort of a trance, and Professor Vector started to play Taps on her trumpet, but one thing was certain: they were stuck. The locks in the doors shifted by magic and a porta-johnny and a large box labeled "Rations" appeared in the far corner.  
  
"Good job, Minerva, you really fucked us up this time," said Snape. Professor McGonagall fumed and the nuns flinched.  
  
"What are we going to now?" squeaked Flitwick.  
  
Sister Mary Lazarus got down on her knees and made the Sign of the Cross. "Father in Heaven, please save us from this horrible fate – "   
  
"Don't worry, Sister," said Professor Sinistra. "We'll live. Whoever invented this spell obviously wanted us to live or they wouldn't have had a rations box and a portable loo appear in the room with us."  
  
"She's right," said Hagrid. "So there's got to be a way to break it."  
  
"Of course there's a way to break it!" started Madam Hooch.   
  
"I knew this would happen," came the misty voice of Professor Trelawney. She started to cuss out Professor McGonagall, but someone else's laughter drowned her out.  
  
"Hheh eheh!" laughed Professor Dumbledore. "So, Sibyl, this makes your *third* real prediction! Not bad, 'eh?"  
  
"Well someone's keeping awfully quiet," said Filch, looking at Professor McGonagall.   
  
"Yeah," said everyone else, turning in her direction. She stood up and walked to the front of the room.  
  
"Alright everyone, I bgot you all into bthis, and I'm bgoing to bget you all out. But pfirst I need some mlip bgloss."  
  
"Here," said Madam Pomfrey, handing over a tube of magical lip gloss."  
  
Professor McGonagall applied the lip gloss and began to talk again. "First, I'd like to say sorry to Sybil, because if we're all going to be stuck in here, it's key that we all get along. Secondly, there has got be some way to break this spell. It seems this spell is similar to the one used on members of a jury while they're sequestered, the Curse of Twelve. Since there are thirteen of us with instruments, this may very well be the Curse of Thirteen. Sister Mary Lazarus happened to be in the room at the same time as all of us, so she's stuck here too."  
  
"Very good, Minerva," said Dumbledore from the saxophone section. "I haven't heard of the Curse of Thirteen since back in my Grindelwald days, but if I can remember back that far, I think I know of a way to break it. But when I encountered it, it didn't have anything to do with instruments. Sybil, perhaps you can tell us how you acquired this knowledge?"  
  
"Well, Professor," started Professor Trelawney, "It has never happened to me personally, but I've read about it."  
  
Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes and everyone started talking at once.   
  
"Silence!" screamed Professor Dumbledore. "While Sybil is thinking of a good answer to my question, I think we should all do what we're here for."  
  
"Play music?" asked everyone.  
  
"This is going to be hell," said Professor Snape.  
  
"Tell me about it," answered Sister Mary Lazarus.  
  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!! Even if you hated it, please review anyway! I boil water for my tea over your flames! 


	3. Hell

Chapter Three: Hell  
  
Sister Mary Lazarus stepped to the front of the room, wand out. "All right now, we're going to start working on our first piece, a Christmas ensemble." Cue the groans.  
  
"Does the fact that it's September mean anything to you?" inquired Snape. Sister just gave him a ferocious glare, and he shut up, amidst applause from the rest of the faculty.  
  
"All right now," said Sister. She tapped her wand on the podium. "A one, two, a one two three!" She pointed to Hagrid who started jingling some of the higher bells. A few counts later, she pointed to Madam Hooch, who dinged her triangle steadily, keeping time with Hagrid's bells. "Get ready, brass!" she said, indicating the brass section.   
  
Professors McGonagall, Vector, and Snape raised their instruments and blew out a rather shaky-sounding "Dashing through the snow."  
  
"Woodwinds!" yelled Sister, pointing towards the orchestra.  
  
"In a one-horse open sleigh," was the melody Dumbledore and Trelawney blew on their sax and clarinet, accompanied by the shrillness of Sr. Mary Robert's piccolo.  
  
Sister yelled again, "Strings!"   
  
Professors Sinistra, Flitwick, and Sprout, each on their respective String Quartet instruments screeched the "O'er the hills we go!" amidst the gentle flowing that was Filch's harp.  
  
"EVERYONE!" cried Sister. Everyone lifted their instruments to play the joyous "Laughing all the way!"  
  
Professor McGonagall was reluctant to blow out the "Ha! Ha! Ha!" on her trombone, but Dumbledore, who had to do the same "Ha! Ha! Ha!" on his sax looked all too pleased.  
  
Sister Mary Lazarus jabbed her wand at the air, indicating the next group's turn. Mary Robert on her piccolo and Sinistra on her violin played the "Bells on bobtails ring," followed by much jingling on the part of Hagrid.  
  
"Making spirits bright!" was played by Snape and Vector, among noisy BOOMS from Madam Pomfrey.  
  
"Strings again!" called Sister. "And percussion!"   
  
The stringed instruments played "What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight!" The last six syllables being pronounced by Madam Pomfrey's tympani.   
  
"ALL!" Sister cried. She had now dropped her wand and was covering her ears.  
  
There was one awful noise that consisted of a winded blow from Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Vector, a shrill toot from Sr. Mary Robert's piccolo, screeches from Professor Sinistra's violin and Professor Sprout's viola, another winded blow on the part of Dumbledore, and one by Trelawney that went too high and sounded like a bicycle horn, a wail of a banshee that was really just Professor Flitwick's cello, a pluck on Filch's harp, much ringing from Hagrid, a forceful 'ding' on Madam Hooch's triangle, and one big bang from Madam Pomfrey's drum. This was meant to be the "Oh!"   
  
Sr. Mary Lazarus took her hands off of her ears and started flapping them in front of her, as some conductors do.   
  
The bells rang and all of the horns blew out "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!" Madam Pomfrey was sure to beat out every single syllable hard and clear. This was followed by a graceful ditty on the part of Filch's harp, which joined in as well as the rest of the strings for "Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!" The "Hey!" sounded much like the "Oh!" and caused Sr. Mary Lazarus to give a yelp.  
  
Yet she continued to persevere. The sleeves of her habit were rolled up, and she breathed heavily as she conducted the final, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!" She rolled her hands into trembling, white, fists to indicate that people stop playing.   
  
It took awhile, and finally everyone stopped. But a loud booming could still be heard. "Poppy, I believe she meant for us all to stop," said Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"I'm not playing," Madam Pomfrey replied, whose drumsticks were sitting on her chair.  
  
"Then what is that noise?" asked Madam Hooch.  
  
"The door!" said Dumbledore. "It's a knock at the door!"  
  
"THE STUDENTS!" everyone cried together.  
  
"The students!" said a panic-stricken Professor Sprout. "They can't get in!"  
  
"And we can't get out," said Professor McGonagall dryly.   
  
Sister Mary Robert screamed and fainted, Sprout and Flitwick went over to the door and tried with all their might to find a way to open it, Dumbledore just laughed insanely, and Professor Vector started to play Taps again, but was silenced by Professor Snape who stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to hell. There's no escape, so I suggest you all make yourselves at home. Toilet's to your left, food is over here in the box on your right. Play your instruments till your hearts content, and I daresay you should all make yourselves at home. Enjoy your stay in hell; it shall be a long one."  
  
This spiel about summed up what everyone was thinking. It didn't seem to occur to any of them at the time that they were at a school full of about five hundred students, and all of the faculty had just been locked in a small room by a curse that they had yet to learn how to break. If they thought *they* were in hell, they should have imagined how the rest of Hogwarts would look when they were set free; after all of the students realized that their teachers were locked up and done whatever they wanted.  
  
  
  
A/N: Sorry so short, next one will be up soon (hopefully). Oh, and RESPECT got the MAC points :) from Chapter One. Reverend Mother and Professor McGonagall are both played by the same person in the movies. Please review!!!! 


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